Here we go again

It's been almost 2 years since my last post. So much to catch up on! Most importantly...the Jemily family welcomed another baby! While it's been almost four months since his birth, I do want to write it down while I can still remember it.

Tristan came early Monday morning right after Thanksgiving weekend. Around 1:40am, I started feeling a lot of pelvic pressure but it didn't feel like contractions so I naively thought I wasn't in labor. However, I was too uncomfortable to sleep so I spent most of the time sitting up, slumped over, waiting for the discomfort to either pass or intensify. It wasn't until 3am that I realized that it was definitely labor, so I should wake Jeff up, call the hospital, and call a friend to come over and watch Lucas. Even though she lives only 15 minutes away, the contractions were coming fast and furious, and I realized I needed to get to the hospital right away. I got an Uber and told Jeff to meet me at the hospital as soon as he could. Luckily, I wasn't contracting when I got into the Uber so the elderly driver wasn't suspicious. However, by the time I got to the hospital 7 minutes later, I could barely breathe, let alone get out of the car without help. He was gracious enough to get me a wheelchair and help me to the front desk on the first floor before leaving.

At that point, I asked the security guard to help me up to labor and delivery - he asked if I should wait for my husband. Had I not been busy contracting, I probably would have been offended that he thought my husband was an elderly man in his 60s/70s. I informed him that was not my husband but an Uber driver, and the security guard was even more horrified that I showed up at the hospital alone. Since I was contracting, I didn't think this was the time to inform him of families that come in all different shapes and sizes and single moms that are amazing enough to go it alone - instead, I told him that my husband was on his way. Luckily, he let it go at that and took me up to labor and delivery.

I will never understand why the hospital has us pre-register when they ask for all the same exact information when you sign in (name, address, insurance info, etc). I think they could tell my patience was wearing very thin so they didn't have me go through too much paperwork and got me into a room as quickly as they could - at this point, I was already 8 cm dilated. The nurse started getting everything ready and said "whatever you do, don't start pushing", which of course is the precise moment when I felt this unbearable urge to push. At that point, I demanded an epidural while all the nurses and the anesthesiologist tried to convince me to just suck it up and go through without it, because the epidural could take up to an hour to become effective and I would need to start pushing very soon. Remembering how my last labor ended with 90 minutes of pushing and an episiotomy, I insisted on an epidural! I'm so glad I stuck to my guns on this, because I was otherwise in so much pain and so fatigued that there was no way I could have pushed effectively. Maybe it was a placebo effect, but it seemed like the epidural started working almost immediately.

Jeff arrived as the anesthesiologist was finishing up, saying that the epidural would not work and calling me really stubborn for insisting on it. He was aghast to hear how unsupportive she was. Thankfully she was wrong because I felt relief almost immediately. Jeff barely had time to catch his breath before it was time for me to start pushing. A mere twelve minutes later, Tristan arrived into the world and into our arms!

I have heard that second time deliveries (and beyond) tend to be shorter and easier. That was certainly true in our case - I was in labor for 8 hours the first time and 3 hours the second time. I shudder to think what a third labor could look like - probably an unmedicated, unplanned delivery on our kitchen floor! It's a good thing we are not planning for a third...our family is complete as a party of four. 😊

Week 31: Lalaland, Toddlerhood, & The Good Dinosaur

Lalaland

I took the last flight of my pregnancy (and 2015) to visit family down in LA this past week. This is likely my last flight for a really long time! The trip was great but definitely too short. Luckily there was enough time to hit up all my favorites:

• Half and Half Tea House: I like their caramel iced milk with 25% sugar.
• Porto's Bakery: A few of my favorites are pictured in this post from earlier this year here (guava pastries, potato balls, and the caprese sandwich). The lines are long but they tend to move relatively quickly - the longer wait is really for the food.
• 101 Noodle Express - The best chicken noodle soup and juicy potstickers (see here)!
• Chang's Garden - All the food here is really solid; I especially like their minced shrimp in lettuce cups.
• Banh Mi My Tho - Love their meatball banh mi - this is my favorite banh mi place by far! There is always a wait but it's worth it.

Toddlerhood

My darling nephew is now 3 and a half and currently going through a very sweet and adorable phase. While I will definitely try to savor each phase leading up to, I really hope baby Lucas gets to such a great phase in toddlerhood too! Here are some new developments I've noticed:

• Independence: He's learning to do more things by himself so his mantra is "I can do it!" I was worried it would get annoying and bratty but it's actually just hilariously cute. Getting dressed does take a lot longer as he insists on doing it himself but then ends up getting stuck in his sweaters for awhile. Rather than getting frustrated or cranky, he just perseveres on until he gets it right.
• Affection: He will reciprocate I love you's and I miss you's. He also initiates hugs more. It broke my heart each time I had to turn down his request to hold him, with my ginormous belly and all.
• Emotional control: Even though there were times that he was clearly upset, he did a good job of not throwing tantrums in public. He didn't get fussy or loud when we didn't buy him any toys at the store or when it was time to leave the museum.
• Speech and conversation: Even though most conversations involve a lot of "why?" and "why not?" questions, it's still fun to talk to him and get an understanding of how his mind works. It's also funny (and dangerous!) when he imitates us, so we try to be a lot more careful of our speech around him.

The Good Dinosaur

It pains me to say this, since I love Pixar movies but this is not one of those Pixar movies that's good for adults. The plot is unoriginal and the story is slow - but that didn't stop me from crying at the end anyway. Oh pregnancy hormones! Still, it's a good movie for young kids that love dinosaurs. Some parts may be a bit scary though, depending on the age of the child.

Friends With Kids

Now that a growing minority of my friends are becoming parents, I'm finding it harder to navigate those friendships. While Jeff and I may have kids in the future, we are currently relishing our child-free state. We stay up late, we go out to movies, we try new restaurants...we enjoy our freedom while we have it. Understandably our parent friends can't do the same, so we're asked to accommodate by going over to their house for dinner. If the kids have later bedtimes, then it means we all eat dinner together and the kids will take their baths and go to bed once they're done.

From our parent friends' perspectives - this seems so easy for us to manage. Our schedules are so free and flexible, we could be anywhere at anytime. The truth of it is - we could be anywhere at anytime. So when they request that we eat dinner before 6pm to accommodate to their children's early schedules, that means we can't be at the gym working out like we normally would be at that time. Eating a homecooked meal is fine - except that I already cook at home 5 days a week for health and budgetary reasons so the weekends are when I get to go out. Most of the children I eat with are super cute and have great table manners - but they are kids, so it's difficult to have a real conversation throughout dinner that isn't peppered with child interruptions.

I don't mean to sound so inflexible, but when parent friends expect us to do this regularly, I start to feel conflicted. I know that kids keep them home bound in the evenings so their social interactions are limited to those that are willing to go over for dinner. Sometimes I feel like I bear an unfair share of the burden - and it feels even more unfair because they're not my kids. This probably makes me sound like a heartless monster but it's true. If I don't get the long term benefits of having kids, it kind of sucks that I deal with the inconveniences and hassles that come with kids.

I know that griping about all this makes me seem like such a jerk. Maybe you're thinking that I'll get what's coming when I have kids, because then I'll realize just how hard it is to manage and I'll feel awful for not having been a more understanding friend. But if/when I have kids, my parent friends won't be coming over to come hang out with me on those long, lonely evenings - they'll still be at home with their kids. They're not going to be self-sufficient teenagers anytime soon! But at least I'll know not to over-burden my childfree friends the same way. In fact, I have parent friends that manage this beautifully so hopefully I can emulate their examples - I'll blog about it some more in a separate post.

Athens, Greece, July 2011

Home Alone Concert with the SF Symphony

Home Alone is one of my favorite holiday movies so when I saw that there was going to be a Home Alone concert by the San Francisco Symphony, I didn't hesitate to buy tickets! Can you believe it's been 25 years since the movie first came out?

The director of the film, Chris Columbus, kicked off the concert with a quick intro. The movie was projected on a large screen above the stage and the SF Symphony performed the instrumental part of the soundtrack live. It was such a treat to watch the movie this way - it's a good thing I splurged for orchestra seats this time so we had a good view of the screen. I typically pick cheaper seats for the symphony since the acoustics are great regardless of where you sit. There was also a children's choir to perform scenes in the second half of the movie.

Even though I've seen this movie many times, this time was different. Maybe it's because I'm hoping to be a mother for the first time in my life - I found myself reacting rather emotionally (and dramatically) to the scenes with Kevin's mom. I felt her pain and horror when she realizes she left Kevin home alone and I teared up when they reunite in the end. I was overwhelmed with a protective instinct in that moment - this instinct to protect my own children and keep them safe, even though they don't exist yet!

I can't seem to make any sense of these crazy feelings that are hitting me. This is brand new territory for me! Is this my biological clock ticking? Does this mean I do have a maternal instinct after all?

Turning Point

We recently went out to dinner to celebrate our friend Donna's birthday. This was one of the few group outings I've been to in recent memory where no kids were present. Jeff made the wise observation that such occasions will be much harder to come by in the future, so we should really cherish these moments when we have them.

Given that all the women present were in their early 30s, Jeff's observation invariably shifted the conversation towards kids. We've all put off parenthood for various reasons: marriage, career, travel, finances, illusion of more time, etc. But we're starting to realize that we can only put it off for so long. It was comforting to hear that we're all at similar stages. We all worry about buying homes in good school districts, having multiple children so that they won't be lonely only children, maintaining work-life balance...the list goes on and on. I imagine it only grows exponentially once the children are actually here.

If we were the only ones at the turning point of wanting to become parents, we'd feel really lonely so it's nice to be going through this with other friends. It's also nice to know that if we all become parents within a similar time frame, we'll be able to relate (and commiserate!) as we go through new experiences. I also hope that means we will have kids that are similar in age so that they can play with each other. I know this post is counting so many chickens before they hatch, which I normally try not to do - but for today, we'll go ahead and embrace the optimism.

Santorini, Greece, July 2011

Dealing with uncertainty

SCA3 imposes a lot of fear in our lives. The obvious one being that if we have children, the children may inherit SCA3. With a lot of medical intervention, we could probably mitigate this risk but there are no guarantees. Even if the children were healthy, we would wonder how many healthy years Jeff has to spend with them. Sometimes I think about this with guilt and wistful sadness, since I was the one who wasn't ready to even talk about kids when we were younger.

There are other worries that SCA3 imposes that aren't necessarily related to kids. Do we need to invest in a more handicap-friendly home? How can we continue living in the SF Bay Area if we may have to live off one income in the future? Should we move to Taiwan for the affordable home care and healthcare options? Will Taiwan's social services still be available to us by the time that we need them?

I can't blame SCA3 for the uncertainty - that's self-imposed because up until now, we have chosen not to know. But now I start to wonder if ignorance really is bliss or I'm just burying my head in the sand. In the meantime, we keep praying for His wisdom, guidance, and hope.

Moorea, November 2013

"What about kids?"

I have spent most of my adult life unenthusiastic about the idea of having children. I have complicated relationships with my divorced parents, which have made me realize that even with the best of intentions and efforts, it is incredibly difficult to maintain healthy parent-child relationships. I'm also not convinced that my life needs children to be complete or fulfilled. I am so grateful for the lives we have now, it almost feels greedy to ask for anything more.

Of course, the possibility of Jeff having SCA3 plays a large part in my reluctance to have kids. I haven't had much exposure to SCA3 - I don't get to see my mother-in-law very often since she lives in Taipei, where she has access to affordable healthcare and homecare. But I know that SCA3 is a difficult condition to handle and it eventually requires 24/7 care. I don't know if I could handle taking care of Jeff in addition to raising kids. I can't imagine trying to shoulder all those responsibilities on my own. Jeff has a pretty comprehensive uber financial model that he uses to budget and project our finances but let's face it - no amount of ninja excelling is going to bring us enough financial stability to manage all that comes with SCA3 and children.

You'll never find an ROI analysis in favor of having children. The tangible costs are always going to outweigh the tangible benefits on paper. And for a long time, that's how I saw it. I approached it logically, like the engineer I was (sort of) trained to be. But just like love, the desire to be a parent isn't a logical one. It's just something you feel - and when emotions are involved, all bets are off.

I've started to see this more in recent years, since many of my friends are now parents. No one has shown me this more than my 2 year old nephew. I've always thought he was super adorable, but it was only recently that I've really started to enjoy my interactions with him. He recognizes me and will address me as "doo doo" when prompted (he's not being disrespectful - he's trying to say auntie in Chinese!). He's affectionate and provides kisses on command. Every new thing he learns and says is the cutest, coolest thing ever. I can never resist the urge to scoop him up and shower him with kisses.

I'm still not sure if I want to have kids. But I get it now. And I know it's not a conclusion I'll come to through a cost-benefit analysis.

This is rather an obscure reference for the Taiwanese pop fans -
a hilarious picture of an adorable baby that looks just like a mini-Jay Chou