Here we go again

It's been almost 2 years since my last post. So much to catch up on! Most importantly...the Jemily family welcomed another baby! While it's been almost four months since his birth, I do want to write it down while I can still remember it.

Tristan came early Monday morning right after Thanksgiving weekend. Around 1:40am, I started feeling a lot of pelvic pressure but it didn't feel like contractions so I naively thought I wasn't in labor. However, I was too uncomfortable to sleep so I spent most of the time sitting up, slumped over, waiting for the discomfort to either pass or intensify. It wasn't until 3am that I realized that it was definitely labor, so I should wake Jeff up, call the hospital, and call a friend to come over and watch Lucas. Even though she lives only 15 minutes away, the contractions were coming fast and furious, and I realized I needed to get to the hospital right away. I got an Uber and told Jeff to meet me at the hospital as soon as he could. Luckily, I wasn't contracting when I got into the Uber so the elderly driver wasn't suspicious. However, by the time I got to the hospital 7 minutes later, I could barely breathe, let alone get out of the car without help. He was gracious enough to get me a wheelchair and help me to the front desk on the first floor before leaving.

At that point, I asked the security guard to help me up to labor and delivery - he asked if I should wait for my husband. Had I not been busy contracting, I probably would have been offended that he thought my husband was an elderly man in his 60s/70s. I informed him that was not my husband but an Uber driver, and the security guard was even more horrified that I showed up at the hospital alone. Since I was contracting, I didn't think this was the time to inform him of families that come in all different shapes and sizes and single moms that are amazing enough to go it alone - instead, I told him that my husband was on his way. Luckily, he let it go at that and took me up to labor and delivery.

I will never understand why the hospital has us pre-register when they ask for all the same exact information when you sign in (name, address, insurance info, etc). I think they could tell my patience was wearing very thin so they didn't have me go through too much paperwork and got me into a room as quickly as they could - at this point, I was already 8 cm dilated. The nurse started getting everything ready and said "whatever you do, don't start pushing", which of course is the precise moment when I felt this unbearable urge to push. At that point, I demanded an epidural while all the nurses and the anesthesiologist tried to convince me to just suck it up and go through without it, because the epidural could take up to an hour to become effective and I would need to start pushing very soon. Remembering how my last labor ended with 90 minutes of pushing and an episiotomy, I insisted on an epidural! I'm so glad I stuck to my guns on this, because I was otherwise in so much pain and so fatigued that there was no way I could have pushed effectively. Maybe it was a placebo effect, but it seemed like the epidural started working almost immediately.

Jeff arrived as the anesthesiologist was finishing up, saying that the epidural would not work and calling me really stubborn for insisting on it. He was aghast to hear how unsupportive she was. Thankfully she was wrong because I felt relief almost immediately. Jeff barely had time to catch his breath before it was time for me to start pushing. A mere twelve minutes later, Tristan arrived into the world and into our arms!

I have heard that second time deliveries (and beyond) tend to be shorter and easier. That was certainly true in our case - I was in labor for 8 hours the first time and 3 hours the second time. I shudder to think what a third labor could look like - probably an unmedicated, unplanned delivery on our kitchen floor! It's a good thing we are not planning for a third...our family is complete as a party of four. 😊

Surviving My First Week

I survived my first week at work! It was good to feel productive and have adult conversations with some friendly faces. Surprisingly, I had no emotional breakdowns about being away from my baby. I think the easy transition was due to:

• knowing that Lucas is in good hands with Daddy (I shudder to think of how much I'll freak out when he's in daycare!)
• Nap training starting this week, which means there's a lot of crying going on during the day - can't say I'm sad to be missing that (big kudos to Jeff for taking this on!)
• my boss and team taking it easy on me because it was my first week
• returning the week before July 4th weekend - many people were out on vacation so work was slow
• Lucas bottle feeding well when I'm not around
• having enough downtime and milk supply to consistently pump more than Lucas needs while I'm gone (I worry about my milk supply when work picks up and I can't step away three times a day to pump)
• Lucas sleeping much better at night, usually waking up only once to feed (for the first time in his life, he's managed to sleep through the night this week - twice!)

Given that some of these are temporary (Jeff staying at home with Lucas, the light workload before the holiday weekend, etc.), I do anticipate this whole working mom thing will get harder. And even with all these different factors to make it easier on me, there are still challenges. It sucks to come home and know that I have only 30-60 minutes to spend with my baby before he goes to sleep for the night. But I won't compromise his sleep and force him to stay up just so I have more time with him. He tends to wake up at 6am so I try to cherish those early hours with him (even if I am half asleep!). 

Breastfeeding also makes work challenging, even though I'm determined to go keep going for now. I can't rely on too much caffeine to keep my energy levels up. It also sucks to have to rearrange my schedule every time a meeting, lunch, or happy hour invite comes up that conflicts with pumping. I skipped a pumping to attend a colleague's going away happy hour and I'm already paranoid, thinking about how that could possibly affect my supply longterm. I also got a clogged duct on Sunday night, making my first day back pretty painful. I wasn't able to tend to it during the day, since it would make my coworkers quite uncomfortable if I was massaging my chest all day. Luckily, I managed to get two last minute appointments for ultrasound therapy and milk blister treatment so I'm on the mend. 

In the meantime, I'm feeling energized and refreshed even though I still wake up every 2-3 hours, as Lucas slumbers away through the night. Here's to an even better week 2! If I'm being greedy, I'd also love to throw in better naps and more sleeping through the night. :)

(source)

Getting Help As A New Mom

Warning: ranty post ahead!

As a new mom, I have had so many wonderful loved ones offer invaluable help. Many have been awesome enough to go out of their way to pick up my favorite meals and desserts. They have come over and entertained Lucas for me so that I can take a break, eat something, and take care of some household chores. I even had a friend offer to help out with some of those chores. While I couldn't possibly take her up on her offer to be my maid, I fully recognize just how lucky I am to be surrounded by amazing people! They often know exactly how to help - and when they don't, they just ask.

However there are tricky offers I don't know how to politely refuse. For example, when I'm at church, people offer to take my baby into the chapel and hold him through the service. But I don't actually want my baby to sit away from me for a whole hour! Especially since people then start passing him around and I have no control over where he is and who's touching him. I've seen well-meaning grandmas wipe his mouth with used napkins and offer him chocolate. I've seen a sniffly cougher touch him with unwashed hands. Ugh. Furthermore, Lucas can only sit still for 90 seconds before he starts fussing - if you try to force him to sit quietly in your lap for any longer, he's going to get upset and be harder to calm down. Quite simply, this kind of help is not helpful at all.

I also have a family member who's constantly asking why I won't go out so that she can "help" me babysit. The honest truth is that she has no idea how to take care of an infant and I would never let her be alone with mine. I've tactfully turned her down by telling her that I need to feed Lucas every 3 hours so it's challenging to be away from him for too long - which is true. She's countered by asking why I don't just pump and leave her milk. First of all, if I choose to pump instead of feed, I still have to pump every 3 hours if I want to keep my supply up so that saves me no time at all. In fact, it wastes much more time because now I have to take the time to pump, someone has to take the time to feed Lucas, and then I have a pile of pump parts and bottles to wash at the end. Second of all, after all the hard work I put into pumping, I'm not looking to use the precious ounces I pump out haphazardly. Why would I go through all this unnecessary trouble? Again, this kind of help is not helpful at all.

Maybe I would feel differently if I intended to be a stay at home mom. But as a working mom, I actually have very limited time with my baby. Is it wrong that I feel so possessive of Lucas? Whenever people ask to "help", I keep feeling like they're just trying to take away my precious time with him. I am very aware of how quickly time passes and I want to savor every bit of it that I can - even when it's not all giggles and sunshine. I'm sure all too soon, Lucas will be all grown and I'll wish that I spent more time with him as a baby. 

Thoughts on Going Back to Work

I still have no profound revelations to share on the topic but the sadness hit me hard today on my last official day of leave. As Jeff and I were having lunch, I started tearing up thinking about how this time has flown by. Part of me feels like a failure because my kid is a terrible sleeper and has no regular schedule. I feel like I could have done better, like I should have made more progress by now. Instead I'm barely surviving and I feel like my only accomplishment has been keeping him alive.

I'm also sad to leave my baby because if he needs me, I won't be there for him. And if it turns out he doesn't need me, then that might just make me feel even sadder. 😔 

I know it's not all doom and gloom all the time but today just feels a little cloudier than usual so I'm going to snuggle my baby tighter today and try not to think about how much I'll miss him starting next week.

The Last Week of Maternity Leave

I'm sad to realize that I've entered my last week of maternity leave. While I crave the freedom of being able to leave the house and have regular adult interaction, I'm certainly going to miss spending so much time with my baby. It's a good thing that he will be in Jeff's capable hands so I don't have to worry about him for the next two and a half months. I'm sure I'll be a wreck once we start daycare though!

I feel like this is when I should be making some profound statement regarding working women having it all - something along the lines of "as much as I love my child, I also love the fulfillment I get from my career". But honestly, I'm scared that I may not feel that way. I worry that the pull to stay home with my child in his formative years will be too strong to keep me in the working world, despite my expensive education telling me that I need to keep working for many more years to justify the hefty tuition bills. On the other hand, I also worry that my career ambitions will keep me from my child longer than I would like. I might miss bedtimes and spend more time with my breast pump than with Lucas.

But I can't tell the future - I don't know what will happen and I don't know how I will feel. So I have no profound proclamations for how I intend to reconcile all these thoughts in my head right now. Instead, I'm going to focus on savoring my last week at home with my beautiful chubby little boy.

(source)

The First Three Months

It's hard to believe our baby boy is already 3 months old! I truly am living the cliche of days being long but years being short. My days are made longer by the fact that lovely little Lucas sleeps fairly inconsistently through the night, sometimes waking hourly, and then requires being held for all naps during the day. I often spend up to 6-7 hours a day just holding him, which means I don't get to eat, drink, or use the restroom when I want to. But when I look down at his peaceful, (seemingly) angelic sleeping face, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of love and gratitude. Then I get sad thinking about how the first three months have flown by - how much faster will the rest of my maternity leave go! I read a sad statistic about how there are only 936 weekends from the time he's born to the time he turns 18 and he leaves for college - I've already used up 13 of them. His childhood is going to fly by in the blink of an eye...I miss him already. :(

Being a mom is truly an emotional roller coaster. There are so many highs and low:

• tears of frustration because my screaming baby is overtired and nothing I do calms him down
• the sheer relief that I'm overcome with when he finally falls asleep, along with the trepidation of never knowing if he'll wake up in 3 hours or 3 minutes
• moments of pure joy when he giggles and coos at you
• the quiet peace and bonding of nursing him and providing comfort
• anguish of seeing him experience any kind of sadness or pain and wishing you could suffer in his place (I am soooo dreading sleep training and hoping that his sleep magically gets better on its own so that sleep training isn't necessary!)

The highs truly do outweigh the lows, even in those moments of fatigue and frustration. For my own sanity, I've had to stop comparing notes with moms who have kids that do (insert baby activity) better than mine - my big one is sleep and my baby's lack of it. I've read the books and I'm following the rules as best as I can but they don't seem to work for Lucas. In the end, I just have to do what works for my baby. A few of the Facebook mommy groups I've joined are focused specifically on baby sleep, and when I post about Lucas' poor sleep habits, one of the moms always comments "it's time to sleep train him!" She means well but it makes me ashamed to participate further in any of the conversations. At the same time, she chooses to let her 5 week old baby cry for hours. I don't know why in these Facebook groups, there's so much focus on being respectful of those who choose to let their babies cry it out very young but then it's absolutely okay to shame the mom that practices poor sleeping habits (out of desperation mind you, not because I enjoy waking up hourly). It's sad that we can't just be respectful of one another. I guess this is what they mean by the mommy wars. 

Luckily, my real life mom friends are a pretty great group. Those that have babies who sleep poorly like Lucas commiserate with me while those with babies who are great sleepers are still very supportive and non-judgmental. I'm so grateful they are a part of our village! 

Embracing Parenthood

Being a first time parent to a newborn baby is hard. Here's some of the challenges we've dealt with thus far:

• He didn't have enough wet diapers by day 3 so we had to supplement with formula for 5 days.
• We both had to take antifungal medication for 2 weeks for a suspected case of thrush (which I still don't think he actually had).
• He's still dealing with jaundice - the levels are relatively low but it still hasn't gone away completely.
• He got a diaper rash.
• He's a pretty poor napper and has gone 6-7 hours without sleep.
• He spent much of the first 3 weeks cluster feeding.
• He started rejecting the bottle this week after 4 weeks of getting at least one bottle a day.
• It takes at least 1-2 hours to put him down for the night.
• He still wakes up 4 times a night.
• He wakes up at 5-6am fussing but not hungry, so it's very challenging to know how to soothe him. Sometimes he just wants to be held but often times he'll continue to whine as he's being held. 

But it hasn't been all doom and gloom. Here are some of the positives:

• After my milk came in, we've been able to exclusively breastfeed.
• His latch is great (no more pain for me!) and he's gaining plenty of weight. He gained almost a pound a week for the first 5 weeks! He's now 12 lbs 10 oz at 6 weeks.
• I managed to feed him 2 oz from a bottle last night during a dream feed - while that's not a full feeding, I'm starting to feel hope that he won't starve when I go back to work. 
• He naps well while being held - this isn't an ideal or sustainable long-term solution but there's nothing like a newborn cuddle so I'm trying to enjoy them for as long as I can. Plus, I just successfully put him down for a nap drowsy but awake for the first time ever! He's been napping for over 40 minutes after 15 minutes of fussing. Let's see how much longer he can go.
• We have some amazing friends who have been bringing us tons of food and help us hold him so we can have a free moment to eat with two hands.
• All my diaper stockpiling has been working out well! It's been great not having to stress about running out of diapers on top of everything else we worry about.

Most importantly, Jeff and I love him more than anything else. Even with all the poopy diapers, night wakings, spit up, and fussing, we love and cherish being his parents. This time goes by so fast - we already miss his early newborn days because with all the weight he's gained, he looks like a completely different baby now! Dare I say, God willing, we already know we want another one?

Finally enjoying a Geisha's Kiss from Sushiritto! Although I just found out breastfeeding moms should avoid tuna. :(

Post Labor & Recovery

Two Nights in the Hospital

All the nurses at the hospital were fantastic in providing assistance with swaddling, diaper changes, breastfeeding, and general infant care. They were also very generous in providing additional supplies to take home such as diapers, pads, wipes, post-partum underwear, etc. The hospital gowns were actually quite comfy and convenient for breastfeeding - while they weren't fashionable, it's not like I was going anywhere (although I did end up wearing it for a few pictures in the first day photoshoot...luckily the photog used good lighting and the baby to cover up how unfashionable it was..hehe). I only left the room once to see Lucas get weighed. I almost wished I had one to take home! None of my pajamas or nightgowns are as convenient or comfy for breastfeeding. The food was also pretty good. There was a huge selection of Indian foods to choose from. I always chose the congee option, since I wanted something warm and comforting.

The only thing about our hospital stay that I would complain about is that everything was so poorly and haphazardly scheduled that we never got any kind of rest. Within the two night stay, there were multiple pediatrician, OB, and nurse visits, a circumcision, a lactation consultant visit, jaundice test, hearing test, first day photography shoot, baby bath, scheduled skin-to-skin...I'm sure there are more things I'm forgetting! Because none of these were scheduled, they would just barge in whenever, so we never ended up getting any sleep. I wish there was a way to schedule these things so that we could get blocks of uninterrupted rest. It definitely left me feeling very frazzled and exhausted when we arrived home!

I also wished that I could have stayed in the hospital long enough for my milk to come in. The day we came home from the hospital, Lucas didn't have enough pee diapers so we ended up having to supplement with formula to ensure that he was hydrated. Unfortunately, the nurses didn't warn us that this could happen and what we should do if it does - I heard they actually do have extra formula they provide for situations like this, but because they are so keen on having moms exclusively breastfeed, they won't give it to you unless you ask for it. I had no idea to ask for it and they never brought it up. In fact, I had never met our pediatrician at that point so I wasn't even sure who to contact after hours that night. Luckily I was able to get connected with an after hours nurse hotline that gave us instructions on what to do. Since then, my milk has come in and Lucas has been gaining weight well with just breastfeeding!

Recovery from Labor

The epidural took awhile to wear off so I didn't start feeling pain until the day after delivery. But I knew it must be pretty serious since nurses and doctors kept checking in on my bleeding and putting ice packs down there to minimize swelling. The nurses were especially diligent about my first two trips to the bathroom - I had two nurses help me to the bathroom just to make sure I was steady and to make sure I was peeing enough. It helped that everyone was female, as the recovery ward is no place to be modest! They never gave me anything stronger than an ibuprofen, which was mostly sufficient for the pain. The only times I really felt pain down there was when I had to sneeze or cough. I thought about buying a Sitz bath beforehand but I never got around to it. Now I'm glad I didn't end up buying it! There's so much random crap to buy post-pregnancy, I'm dealing with enough Amazon deliveries and returns as it is. Plus, what new mom has time to sit around in a Sitz bath after every bathroom trip? I did feel a little bit of pain in my abdomen area starting the second day - the doctor said that was a good thing, because it meant my uterus was contracting back to its normal size thanks to all the breastfeeding Lucas was demanding for those two days in the hospital. It definitely didn't feel like my uterus was contracting at the time, since I still looked and felt 5 months pregnant.

I didn't weigh myself at the hospital, which is probably for the better because I might have been disappointed with the lack of weight loss. After 2 weeks, my uterus definitely shrank down a lot more, so I only looked like I was 3 months pregnant. I'd probably attribute this weight loss to my Chinese post-partum diet, as low salt is a key factor to the diet to ensure new moms don't retain excess water. I've also been eating a lot of traditionally "hot" foods, which are probably making me sweat out excess fluids. I'm still not sure how much I weigh though - I don't see my doctor until 6 weeks after delivery for a checkup. Here's hoping everything will be okay by then! Not that I'm looking to do any intense workouts but it's very impractical for me not to lift anything heavier than Lucas. When I go out with him, I still need to carry the car seat and stroller too!

Lucas' Birth Story

The Night Before (Week 39)

Jeff and I had joked for several weeks that we hoped I would go into labor in the morning after one last night of good rest. Little did we know that this would be exactly what happened! The night before I went into labor, we watched Bridge of Spies at home. During the movie, my stomach would get really tight but not in a painful way - it wasn't very regular and after awhile the tightness went away, so we chalked it up to Braxton Hicks contractions and went to bed.

The Morning Of

Between 7:30-8:00 the next morning, I started to feel a little funny. I wasn't sure what was happening but this was a different feeling from the painless tightening I felt the night before. The birth class we attended warned us not to go to the hospital too early, as first time moms tend to be in early labor for a really long time, so I was preparing for a leisurely breakfast and a nice hot shower before heading out. Jeff had a meeting at 9:00 and I had encouraged him to go, thinking that he'd have plenty of time to come back and take me to the hospital when my contractions were 5 minutes apart. Thank goodness he had the good sense not to leave me!

By 8:15, the pain made me realize that I was having contractions and they were only 3 minutes apart! I was also peeing a lot with bright red blood - in hindsight, this was probably my water trickling out but I couldn't really tell. I called the doctor on call, who seemed dubious that I was in labor but said that I should come into the hospital if I was feeling worried. Jeff got all our bags ready while I clung to the side of a chair, a table, the bathroom wall, etc. during the pain. The car ride to the hospital was only a few minutes but the contractions made it feel so much longer!

At the Hospital: Checking In

Once we got to the hospital, I hobbled over to the reception desk to check in. They took their sweet time getting my information, ignoring how I had to hunch over the desk to manage through contraction pains as they kept asking for forms, insurance cards, ID, etc. I was going to ask the receptionist if I could have the seat next to her if she was going to take much longer with the check-in process!

Luckily, a nurse checked me into a delivery room soon after and the doctor I had spoken with earlier came to check on me. She was surprised to see that my water was already gone and I was 6-7 cm dilated! She told me that I sounded so calm on the phone, she didn't think there was any way I could be in labor, since women can't usually talk through contractions. I had progressed so quickly everyone was surprised to find out this was my first birth. Meanwhile, different nurses came into ask the same questions over and over about medication allergies, relevant medical history, pain management plans, and had me sign forms. They even apologized for asking the same questions over and over but for some reason, couldn't just share the information with each other. I could barely breathe, much less answer all their questions coherently! I wanted them to just ask Jeff the questions and leave me alone but apparently it doesn't work that way.

Antibiotics, Fentanyl, and Epidural

I had to get hooked up to an IV right away so I could get antibiotics, since I tested positive for Group B Strep. They also had to do one more platelet level check to confirm that I could get an epidural, as my levels had been lower than average in my last few blood tests. In the meantime, they gave me fentanyl, which made the contractions bearable but I could still feel some pain. I was willing to take whatever they could give me, since I was terrified that I might actually have to go through labor without an epidural. I didn't realize it at the time but by this point, I had experienced the worst of my labor pains. From here on out, it only got better.

My platelet levels came in a little while later and I was approved for an epidural. Jeff was allowed to stay in the room as long as he faced me so that he couldn't see the needles going into my back. I've heard lots of moms describe this process as very difficult but I thought it was fine. My anesthesiologist was pretty good - I felt a few pokes but nothing crazy. She was good about making sure she administered the epidural in between contractions so that it wouldn't be hard for me to stay still.

Once the epidural kicked in, everything felt great. The nurse made sure the dosage was high enough so that I wasn't feeling any pain. Her plan was to have me nap for a few hours until it was time to push. She even pulled out the cot and some extra sheets for Jeff so he could sleep too. We were way too wired to actually sleep but it was nice to have some time to relax, even though we were excited to think that today would be the day we would finally meet baby Lucas!

Time to Push

By 3pm, the nurse confirmed that I was 10 cm dilated and it was time to start pushing! This was the part of labor I had dreaded the most but surprisingly, it was really relaxing. Jeff had some classical music on to really help promote a really nice ambiance, and between him and the nurse coaching me through the pushes, I felt really supported and encouraged. I used to think that when people said that pushed for x number of minutes or hours, they were pushing the entire time. Silly me! Even though I pushed for 90 minutes, it was only during contractions, which were a minute long.

At some point, I had to wear an oxygen mask because Lucas' oxygen levels were low. Also, after 90 minutes, I still couldn't get enough of Lucas' head through and his heart rate dropped significantly so the OB had to perform an episiotomy. I had mentioned my preference to avoid one so I have to admit, I was disappointed to find out I couldn't make it to the finish line on my own. But I'm glad we did it for Lucas' safety and health.

He's Here!

Seconds after she made the cut, Lucas came out so I didn't have time to  dwell on the disappointment of the episiotomy. He was 7 lbs and 10 oz, which explains why he wasn't that easy for me to deliver! Considering that Jeff and I both have relatively small frames, that's a big baby for us. I heard crying, quickly followed by a greyish-blue baby that was immediately placed on top of me for skin to skin contact. Jeff and I were so filled with emotion we both immediately started crying. This was definitely one of the most emotional moments of my life - up there with Jeff's proposal, where we both had the same flood of emotions knowing that our lives were about to change significantly! Luckily, he didn't stay greyish-blue for very long. His cries also dissipated pretty quickly, as the skin to skin contact calmed him down. We also tried breastfeeding for the first time.

During this time, the doctor was busy delivering the placenta and stitching me up. Kudos to the anesthesiologist and the nurse because I didn't feel a thing. I didn't even realize the placenta had been delivered until I heard a gush of blood like a waterfall. The doctor checked to see if Jeff was going to pass out. Luckily, he stayed strong. :) Apparently a bunch of blood flowed out with my placenta - enough to fill half a basin. Yikes!

From Labor to Recovery

As they took Lucas to get weighed and cleaned up, I realized that I was starving since I never ended up eating breakfast that day! I took a few sips of Jeff's bubble tea, as I desperately needed a quick boost of calories and energy. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that weaning off all the pain meds would make me nauseous so I promptly threw it back up. Jeff says that was my body's way of rejecting unhealthy food! In fact, as they wheeled me over to the recovery ward, I threw up again. Sigh...definitely not something I knew before I gave birth or I definitely would have avoided the bubble tea at all costs.

Al in all, I was extremely grateful for a relatively short labor and a healthy baby boy! More on recovery for the next 2 days in the hospital in a future post.

Roses from Jeff for Valentine's Day 2016

He's Here!

It's been a hectic few weeks since he arrived! I'll have to write out my birth story at some point - for now, I'm just going to enjoy the newborn cuddles. As much as I miss glorious hours of continuous sleep, I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world.

Feeling "Ready" to be Parents

Everyone always says that you'll never feel 100% ready to be a parent, which makes a lot of sense. Nothing can truly prepare you for the highs, lows, sleep deprivation, and more. No parenting book or babysitting job is going to simulate the real experience that your own child is going to give you. Heck, even having a kid already doesn't guarantee that you'll be prepared for another one, since every kid can be really different. So on this front, all I can think is...bring it on! The sooner baby Lucas comes, the sooner we'll learn how to take care of him.

Jeff and I definitely feel like we'll never be more emotionally ready than we are now. We no longer think of kids and wistfully reminisce about all the freedom we'll be giving up. While there are certainly places we'd still love to travel to and nice restaurants we'd love to eat at, we don't feel like we're missing out. In fact, we're now thinking of the new and fun experiences we can explore and discover with our kids. I really hope they are into Harry Potter - I can't wait to check out the Harry Potter Amusement Park with them one day! I'm sure there will be countless Disney trips as well.

We used to feel like we'd be missing out because most of our friends don't have kids. That balance is slowly starting to shift so that now there are more parents than non-parents among our friends. Pretty soon, we're actually going to feel left out for not being parents. Not that FOMO should be the reason for having kids - but at least now we know that we're not going to lose all our friendships because we can't relate to being parents. We can even try and schedule play dates so that hopefully we'll still see our friends once in awhile! I love how in these early years, it's much easier to dictate who your kids are friends with and who they can see.

Of course, I may eat all my words once baby Lucas is really here! It'll be funny to re-read this after birth and see how much of this still rings true. The fun part of having it down here in writing is the accountability I'd held to. :)

Cherry blossoms in the Bay, February 2016