Surviving My First Week

I survived my first week at work! It was good to feel productive and have adult conversations with some friendly faces. Surprisingly, I had no emotional breakdowns about being away from my baby. I think the easy transition was due to:

• knowing that Lucas is in good hands with Daddy (I shudder to think of how much I'll freak out when he's in daycare!)
• Nap training starting this week, which means there's a lot of crying going on during the day - can't say I'm sad to be missing that (big kudos to Jeff for taking this on!)
• my boss and team taking it easy on me because it was my first week
• returning the week before July 4th weekend - many people were out on vacation so work was slow
• Lucas bottle feeding well when I'm not around
• having enough downtime and milk supply to consistently pump more than Lucas needs while I'm gone (I worry about my milk supply when work picks up and I can't step away three times a day to pump)
• Lucas sleeping much better at night, usually waking up only once to feed (for the first time in his life, he's managed to sleep through the night this week - twice!)

Given that some of these are temporary (Jeff staying at home with Lucas, the light workload before the holiday weekend, etc.), I do anticipate this whole working mom thing will get harder. And even with all these different factors to make it easier on me, there are still challenges. It sucks to come home and know that I have only 30-60 minutes to spend with my baby before he goes to sleep for the night. But I won't compromise his sleep and force him to stay up just so I have more time with him. He tends to wake up at 6am so I try to cherish those early hours with him (even if I am half asleep!). 

Breastfeeding also makes work challenging, even though I'm determined to go keep going for now. I can't rely on too much caffeine to keep my energy levels up. It also sucks to have to rearrange my schedule every time a meeting, lunch, or happy hour invite comes up that conflicts with pumping. I skipped a pumping to attend a colleague's going away happy hour and I'm already paranoid, thinking about how that could possibly affect my supply longterm. I also got a clogged duct on Sunday night, making my first day back pretty painful. I wasn't able to tend to it during the day, since it would make my coworkers quite uncomfortable if I was massaging my chest all day. Luckily, I managed to get two last minute appointments for ultrasound therapy and milk blister treatment so I'm on the mend. 

In the meantime, I'm feeling energized and refreshed even though I still wake up every 2-3 hours, as Lucas slumbers away through the night. Here's to an even better week 2! If I'm being greedy, I'd also love to throw in better naps and more sleeping through the night. :)

(source)

Thoughts on Going Back to Work

I still have no profound revelations to share on the topic but the sadness hit me hard today on my last official day of leave. As Jeff and I were having lunch, I started tearing up thinking about how this time has flown by. Part of me feels like a failure because my kid is a terrible sleeper and has no regular schedule. I feel like I could have done better, like I should have made more progress by now. Instead I'm barely surviving and I feel like my only accomplishment has been keeping him alive.

I'm also sad to leave my baby because if he needs me, I won't be there for him. And if it turns out he doesn't need me, then that might just make me feel even sadder. 😔 

I know it's not all doom and gloom all the time but today just feels a little cloudier than usual so I'm going to snuggle my baby tighter today and try not to think about how much I'll miss him starting next week.

The Last Week of Maternity Leave

I'm sad to realize that I've entered my last week of maternity leave. While I crave the freedom of being able to leave the house and have regular adult interaction, I'm certainly going to miss spending so much time with my baby. It's a good thing that he will be in Jeff's capable hands so I don't have to worry about him for the next two and a half months. I'm sure I'll be a wreck once we start daycare though!

I feel like this is when I should be making some profound statement regarding working women having it all - something along the lines of "as much as I love my child, I also love the fulfillment I get from my career". But honestly, I'm scared that I may not feel that way. I worry that the pull to stay home with my child in his formative years will be too strong to keep me in the working world, despite my expensive education telling me that I need to keep working for many more years to justify the hefty tuition bills. On the other hand, I also worry that my career ambitions will keep me from my child longer than I would like. I might miss bedtimes and spend more time with my breast pump than with Lucas.

But I can't tell the future - I don't know what will happen and I don't know how I will feel. So I have no profound proclamations for how I intend to reconcile all these thoughts in my head right now. Instead, I'm going to focus on savoring my last week at home with my beautiful chubby little boy.

(source)

Happy 2016!

Looking back on 2015:

• TTC: We got pregnant! While it didn't happen right away, it still happened relatively quickly and we are so excited and grateful for what's to come.
• Housing: Housing in the Bay Area is just too crazy $$ so we decided to stay put and remodel to make our house more comfortable and kid-friendly. Two new bathrooms, a fireplace, a fan, and living room recessed lights have made a big difference! We loved the new recessed lights so much we are looking to add them to a few more rooms. Hopefully we can get that done before baby Lucas arrives.
• Career: The new position I started with last year didn't exactly turn out as planned. I embraced leaning in and landed a job at a completely new company with a ton of growth potential and opportunity. So while I didn't end up where I thought I would, I did learn and grow in a new job, so I think this one worked out okay. 
• Life: I'm continually striving to live a life that is worthy of all the goodness and blessings I've received. It's a journey, not a destination, so hopefully I'll never feel "done" with this goal!
• Travel: While this was not a specific 2015 goal, I feel the need to add it in because I don't think we'll be doing too much travel for awhile! This year, I managed to hit up LA, Boston, Maui, Santa Barbara, New York, Las Vegas, Vancouver, Kyoto, and Taipei.  

Looking ahead to 2016 Goals:

• Appreciate Baby Lucas, even when it's really hard. Remember that this is what we desperately wanted and hoped for, even when we're tired, cranky, and upset.
• Appreciate what a great husband and father Jeff is. I know that almost all couples fight more during the first year of parenthood. I want to continually remind myself of how much I love him for who he is and everything he does for our family.
• Get in shape after giving birth. Hopefully I can get back to running regularly afterwards. Strangely enough, I kind of miss it!
• Make it to my first anniversary at my new company. Even if my maternity leave is amazing and I love staying at home, I want to at least try the working mom gig for awhile to make sure that it's what I want to do. Luckily, Jeff's company has a great paternity leave policy that will give me peace of mind that Lucas is in good hands for 12 weeks while I get my first experience as a working mom.
• Trying to take a trip with baby Lucas. I'm hoping we can manage a road trip or a plane ride down to LA at the very least. The stretch goal here would be to fly to Taiwan so that he can meet his extended family there. The in-between goal would be to take a few days off to somewhere just a few time zones away, like Honolulu. Let's see how this pans out!
• Document his first year. I want to try and have a professional photo shoot once a year. Our photog got some amazing shots of the 2.5 of us during our maternity shoot so we're very much convinced that the experience is very much worth repeating for our growing family each year.
• Have a plan for baby #2. I'm not getting any younger so by next year, I need to at least be thinking about this...and as a stretch goal maybe even trying for this if my body is ready? One of my good doctor friends Christina specializes in this field and said that realistically at our age (early/mid 30's), we don't have the luxury of waiting 1-2 years between babies. Gulp.

Hakone Gardens, January 2016

Week 29: Tips for Flying in the Last Trimester

Boston 

I spent the past week in Boston for work. While most of the time was spent working, my colleagues and I did get to enjoy some New England cuisine and a bit of Boston. We indulged in some delicious seafood at the Atlantic Fish Company and decadent desserts at Max Brenner - both conveniently located right across the street from the Prudential Center. 

The Atlantic Fish Company has great service! I loved the flavor of my spicy lobster linguine but found the clam chowder too heavy and salty.

Max Brenner, on the other hand, was disappointing. The dark hot chocolate with marshmallows was great but small, the molten lava chocolate cake was dry, and the waffle was stale. I suspect I should have tried the fondue or crepes instead! So I'd be willing to give them another try. 

On our last day, we took some time to walk around drizzly Boston. Here's a view from Boston Commons:

Flying in the Last Trimester

Pregnancy wise - it's a lot harder to fly at 29 weeks! Here are some tips to make flights more bearable at this stage:

• Having an aisle seat is critical for the frequent bathroom trips and much needed stretching breaks.
• Bring sufficient food. Since my flights to and from were 6-7 hours, I made sure to always have a sandwich and fresh fruit. Don't count on purchasing in-flight options, which will consist of lots of cheese and cold cuts.
• If you're flying alone and bringing a carry on, make sure you're able to lift it up into the overhead bin yourself. Don't assume strangers will help you because no one offered to help me and I'm very visibly 7 months pregnant! I ended up bringing a duffle bag because my roller bag is pretty heavy. I need to invest in lighter luggage!

While it pains the wanderlust in me to say this, I'm glad this is probably the longest flight I'll need to take for awhile. Flying while very pregnant is tough, and flying with a baby won't be any easier!

Week 25: My Experience with "Leaning In"

A lot of people are surprised to learn that I knew I was pregnant when I chose to switch jobs (and companies). It definitely wasn't an easy decision - leaving my old job meant giving up a job with great benefits at a large, stable company. It was especially hard to walk away from their very generous maternity leave and FMLA protection at that point (new moms that have been working at their companies for less than a year don't have the job protection of FMLA).

On the flip side, even before getting pregnant, I was already looking for a new challenge. I had been at my company for four years and I was ready to learn something new. I also wasn't sure I believed in the company's new direction. It didn't help that lots of people at the company had been there for decades. A lot of them didn't take the opportunity to leave earlier on in their tenure when they had the chance, so they ended up staying at the company for their entire careers. While that worked out well for those who climbed the corporate ladder up to the top, some got stuck in an awkward in-between position with nowhere to go. A lot of those colleagues confessed that it was hard for them to convince other employers that they could be a good fit for their cultures, since they spent so much time at one company. So they ended up staying, but really due to lack of choice.

My new company is much smaller, with fewer corporate benefits like bonuses, retirement contributions, and generous maternity leaves. However, I'm learning and doing so much more because the company is smaller and more agile. Plus, it's in a different industry so I'm learning about marketing a whole new type of product. We're also growing at a tremendous rate across all metrics, which is exciting to see and not something I had ever experienced at my former Fortune 500 employer. By the time I joined, they had already passed that phase of phenomenal growth so I never had the chance to see or experience that for myself.

Of course, there are a lot of risks with my new position. My new company might not be able to sustain its growth. They don't even have to guarantee me a job after I give birth. (On a sidenote, legislators really need to rethink the restrictions on FMLA because it really limits women's career opportunities in their child bearing years.) Maybe the risk will be on me - it's possible I won't want to come back to work after becoming a mom. I may not always agree with the principles of Lean In but in this case, I do agree wholeheartedly with Sheryl Sandberg. In her book, she talks about how women start checking out of their jobs months or even years before they start having children. She argues that we should be leaning more into our careers at this pre-children stage, because we're more likely to go back to our careers if we're doing meaningful, interesting work.

In my case, this is particularly true because I knew that staying at my old job meant that I was likely to quit after becoming a mom. That would be great if it's what I truly wanted, but less great if it's only because I wasn't that enthusiastic about going back to my job. Now that I'm in a new job (with stock options that incentivize me to extend my tenure), I'm much more likely to return to work after my maternity leave. And even if I don't end up back at the job, at least I spent the last few months gaining new skills in a new company and industry. That way, if and when I am ready to go back to work, I'll have more to show for on my resume.

Does that mean that I definitely made the right choice? It's too early for me to say at this point but so far so good. And if it doesn't turn out to be my glorious Lean In moment? Then I'll figure out what the next move should be and go from there. In the meantime, I'll just take life a day at a time.

Santorini, Greece, July 2011

Week 15

Telling my boss about my pregnancy was a bit nervewracking for me, since I'm only 2 weeks into a new job at a new company (Sheryl Sandberg would be so proud of me for leaning in this way - I'll post about that some more another day). Luckily, he was super supportive and excited for me - I had no reason to be nervous at all. He also highly encouraged taking a babymoon, which of course I've already been thinking about (even though we technically had one in the first trimester, since we went to Taipei, Kyoto, and New York). But still, this will be our last opportunity to take kid-free vacation for a long time, so I'm definitely going to advantage of it. :)

Jeff and I are thinking that it's probably not a good idea to fly too far so we're thinking potentially Maui. He's never been and I haven't been in many years, so it'd be nice to spend a relaxing babymoon there. I might do some research to see which resorts are close to hospitals, just in case. A bit paranoid I suppose, but you never know!

Golden Pavilion, Kyoto, August 2015

Week 14

Even though I've been diligently taking my prenatal vitamins for months, my hair and nails aren't growing any faster or more beautifully. But at least it's not worse so I'm not complaining. I'm also moisturizing my belly and hips, hoping to prevent the dreaded pregnancy stretch marks. In the meantime, I'm finding it harder to dress my bump. I am trying to incorporate pants back into my wardrobe with the rubberband trick but I'm going to need new pants altogether in a few weeks! Buying maternity clothes is really hard. There isn't that much available and whatever is available isn't particularly versatile or stylish.

Physical changes aside, I'm so relieved and excited to finally be out of the first trimester. That means we can start telling people - particularly my boss, who I'm hoping to talk to about this tomorrow. Hopefully that conversation goes well - wish me luck!

Pescadero Beach, September 2015

Sleepless Nights

I always had an easy time sleeping until the night before I turned 29. At the time, I attributed that fitful night of restlessness to jetlag and nervousness. I'd gotten back from Taiwan the night before and I was starting a brand new job the very next day! Unfortunately, that night triggered the insomnia that I've been battling on and off ever since. I started with some of the most commonly recommended practices, with varying degrees of success:

• Minimize caffeine intake. This isn't super hard for me, since I don't drink coffee. I mostly just drink a cup of hot green tea in the morning for the warmth. I suppose it's because I never had much caffeine in my diet to begin with so when I eliminated the green tea, I didn't see much difference in my sleep quality. 
• Doing yoga. I was never able to completely "empty" out my mind, as I get distracted easily, so that might be why yoga didn't really lead me to have better sleep. If anything, thinking about "nothing" makes me super restless and bored! I will admit, I have had some great naps during shavasana. ;)
• Get up after 30 minutes of lying in bed awake. Repeat multiple times per night if necessary. This is challenging and incredibly impractical when you share a bed with a light sleeper. Plus, we both have a hard time falling asleep when we're sleeping alone. I know, we're so cute, it's not cute at all and actually nauseating. :P
• Sleeping pills - None of the OTC sleep aids worked for me so my doctor prescribed Trazadone. While it usually put me to sleep in 20-30 minutes, it also made me feel groggy the next day. I felt like taking pills was not a good long-term solution to insomnia so eventually I stopped refilling my prescription.

Luckily, I've been on a good stretch for the last few months - hopefully it stays that way! I still struggle with insomnia every now and then but I've tried to develop good habits to keep it at bay. I've found that it can take awhile after adopting the good habits to see my sleep improve. Here are some things that have worked for me:

• Keep the room temperature cool. Often times, I'm tossing and turning because I'm too hot and I need to stick my arms out to cool off, which then inevitably leads to my arms  getting too cold and needing to be covered up again. It's a vicious cycle that can keep me up for hours. Because I tend to overheat easily, I always keep the heat off at night (something that is manageable in the mild California winters!) and I stay away from heavy blankets. While I may be a bit chilly when I first get into bed, I generate and retain heat well so I'm warm enough through the night. 
• Keep a sleep log. This tip came from the book Say Good Night to Insomnia, which was recommended by my doctor. I'm not sure this was the original intent of the book's recommendation but somehow, the mental exercise of logging my sleep patterns ended up bringing me some comfort. I realized that after each stretch of poor sleep, a good night's sleep would eventually end that stretch. It was oddly comforting to know that at some point, my body was going to crash and let me rest after all, even if it was after several nights of terrible (non)sleep.
• Stay up and sleep in an hour(ish) later on the weekends. In an ideal world, I would wake up and go to bed at the exact same time everyday. However, I'm not a robot and I still hope to have some semblance of a social life on the weekends. I was much stricter about adhering to specific sleep schedule when my insomnia was at its worst but these days, I can manage with a 60-90 minute bedtime / wake-up time variance and still have good sleep most, if not all, nights of the week. 
• Try not to stress about work. This one is probably the biggest factor and yet, also the toughest to eliminate. You can't just pick up and quit your job every time it gets stressful! Luckily I'm in a good place for now, although there are ebbs and flows. The good thing is, the longer I work, the more I feel like I'm building up expertise, so that I can feel confident about the work I produce. If I do stress out, that typically manifests itself in the form of nightmares - which I still consider a good thing because it means I slept! :)

Waikiki, Hawaii, July 2008

Happy 150!

Our alma mater is currently in its 150th year and we were lucky enough to be a part of the festivities in San Francisco this weekend. It's always fun for Jeff and I to attend these events together, since we met and fell in love in college. Furthermore, college is where we've made some of our lifelong friends - much moreso than graduate school, for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, our close college friends are not the types to attend alumni events so we typically network during these events, rather than catch up and reminisce with old friends.

However, this event was much more about celebrating than networking. It made me feel so blessed to have accumulated some awesome college memories with great friends at a renowned institution. It also made me a little sad to know that phase in my life is definitively over. Oh, to be 22 years old and still have my whole life ahead of me! It makes me realize that it's a bit dangerous for me to fall down that rabbit hole because if I let my mind wander too much, I'll start thinking about the "what ifs". What if I had gone down a different path? What if I had made different decisions? How would that have impacted my life today? Would I have more friends? Would I have accomplished more in my career?

Occasionally, I need to remind myself that such lines of thought are meaningless, unproductive, and downright ungrateful. I believe in the trite but very true notion that everything to happen for a reason, so there is no need to dwell on regrets. Without the decisions of my past, I wouldn't be where I am today. And while I could be anywhere else, I wouldn't trade where I am now and who I get to be with for anything in the world. :) 

My New Toy

My awesome boss gave out Basis Peak watches to team members that helped out with a major project in Q1. I've been meaning to get a fitness tracker for awhile so I can't wait to start using it!

Paradise?

This past week, I was in Vegas for a conference. Clearly my phone enjoys Vegas - here's what it said every time I checked the weather app:

I normally stay at the Palazzo but this time it was all booked so I ended up at the Venetian instead. The Venetian is older but the layout and style is very similar to the Palazzo. It wasn't old and dingy like some colleagues had warned me it might be - not sure if my room had been updated?

I was in the Venezia Tower so my suite had a view of the Venetian tower.

My very large, comfortable suite for just me. One of the few differences I could spot between the Venetian and the Palazzo - Palazzo has remote controls for the curtains, whereas the Venetian curtains need to be adjusted manually. Not sure that qualifies the Venetian for the "old and dingy" category. 

An even more impressive bathroom - pretty sure this is almost bigger than my bedroom. The Venetian bathrooms don't come equipped with TV screens like the Palazzo ones do - somehow, I managed to survive. :)

The lobby was festively decorated for Chinese New Year. Happy Year of the Sheep!

Super Bowl Sunday

Jeff decided last minute to throw a Super Bowl party - and I was probably one of the last to find out! Despite my need to over-plan everything in advance, we managed just fine with 36 hours notice. It helped that our generous friends brought wings, guac, cookies, and chips. I also had leftover Espresso Chip Angel Food Cake (from Angel Heart Cakes) courtesy of Katie's non-shower the day before, so our food prep was minimal. 

On top of all that, Jeff made chicken satay with peanut sauce and salsa, Sandy and I made caprese salad skewers (a la Piatti's), and Bryan made sangria. Here's the recipe for the chicken satay and peanut sauce:

Chicken

• 1 tablespoon peanut oil
• 2 medium cloves garlic, thinly sliced
• 2 skinless boneless chicken breast halves (8 oz each) sliced into thin 1/2 inch strips
• 2 teaspoons chopped fresh cilantro
• red pepper flakes for garnishing

1. Marinate chicken strips in peanut oil and garlic for about 30 minutes and then grill.  
2. Sprinkle cilantro and red pepper flakes on top.

Peanut Sauce

• 1/2 cup of creamy peanut butter
• 1/3 cup of water
• 2 tablespoons of soy sauce
• 2 tablespoons of rice vinegar
• 1 tablespoon of honey
• 1 tablespoon Asian sesame oil
• 1 1/2 teaspoons peeled and grated fresh ginger
• 1 teaspoon minced garlic
• pinch of cayenne pepper or dash of chili sauce

1. Combine all the ingredients in a food processor until smooth. (We do it by hand because we're lazy.)

I don't watch football so I wasn't particularly interested in the outcome of the Super Bowl. I am a marketer so I did find the commercials interesting. If I'm being really honest, it helps to see the reactions of others as they watch commercials so that I can better understand what kind of advertising does and does not work. Yes, I can be a huge nerd sometimes. :)

Plus, it's always fun to get together with friends at home. I guess I've always been a homebody because this has always been the easiest, funnest way for me to hang out with friends. Even during my single days, I was never really into  clubbing or barhopping. I've always preferred staying in with good food and great company - I guess the former is technically optional, if not highly preferable. Luckily I've got great friends that can indulge these preferences!

New Year, New Me rambles

Is it too late to have a New Year reflections post? Maybe I should have saved this for Chinese New Year instead. :)

I worked with a manager at my first full-time job that gave me some advice about approaching the new year. He told me to set goals for myself every year and he gave me examples of some of the annual goals he had set for himself in the past: get married, buy a house, etc. At the time, I remember thinking "whoa those goals are totally not in line with my life stage! His advice doesn't apply to someone like me." But every now and then, his advice would come to mind and I'd think...hey it doesn't seem so crazy. He didn't tell me to buy a house or get married every year - he was just telling me what his own accomplishments had been. I can set whatever goals make sense for my life. Big duh to 22 year old Emily.

In addition to looking forward, I also think it's important to look back and see where we've been. The idea is not to limit ourselves ("but we've never done that before!") but rather have that act as a guide for where we may want to go next.

2014 Highlights

• We found out that Jeff does not have SCA3. A huge relief and an even bigger blessing.
• We had some amazing travels to Italy, Taiwan, Japan, and New York.  
• After a few setbacks, I was offered a new job on a different team working on some cool things that I'm really excited about.
• Jeff also transitioned to a new role as part of a re-org that more closely aligns with his career goals and interests.

2015 Goals

• Try not to go crazy with TTC. We will do what we can to facilitate the process naturally but everything beyond that is out of our hands. I don't want to feel like a total failure if this year does not end with a pregnancy or a baby. After all the research I did around IVF, I don't think that's the route I want to go but who knows...we'll see if/when we get to that point.
• Potentially explore new housing, depending on outcome of goal #1. Obviously, if there is no baby, our current setup suffices just fine. But otherwise, we'll have to figure out if we can repurpose our current place or move to a new house.
• Learn and grow in my new job. Pretty self-explanatory.
• Live with gratitude. God has given us so many good and wonderful things in this life - let's live in such a way that is worthy of those blessings.

Taipei, Taiwan, January 1, 2010

Keeping a bad day in check

Work has been super frustrating this week - I'll keep it vague as I'm not looking to pull a Dooce. I'll just say that my projects were not going as planned and conversations were not happening the way I had hoped. I was feeling really discouraged, wondering if my career is ever going to progress. On top of that, my super predictable period showed up 3 days early, throwing off all our fertility planning. So much for Jeff rearranging his work trip to be home early!

After my long, bad day, I came home and saw that a friend had texted me a request to make some last minute arrangements for church yesterday. I was so annoyed, I responded rather brusquely, letting him know that I was currently swamped and couldn't manage this last minute request. He was very apologetic and said he would take care of it himself, while Jeff scolded me to pull it together and not take my bad day out on innocent people. I knew he was right, so I messaged the friend to make amends, who had already very graciously taken over the task himself and insisted that I find time to rest from my hectic week. 

This morning, I came to work and was unexpectedly pulled into a series of great meetings, one after another. Suffice it to say, it looks like people have noticed that I do good work so new opportunities are opening up for me. I'm super excited, grateful...and also embarrassed and undeserving. I'm the type of person that lashes out after a bad day and yet God still blesses and loves me so much. Seriously, it's a miracle that I have any friends at all! 

Hopefully this is a good reminder for me to keep my attitude and perspective in check. Jeff and I just got the best news we could possibly hope for last week! And yet, eight days later, I'm having a huge hissy fit over some work issues and my period. Even just typing that out makes me feel ridiculous. Life is so much bigger than all of this!

Waipio Valley, Hawaii, August 2008